I’m three years old, and I’m holding your hand as we walk towards a baseball field. I feel safe when you hold my hand. I feel safe when I’m in your arms. I wish you’d hold me more. I wish you’d play with me more. I wish you were home more. My world is so small for now, but I know I love you.
I often wonder what you thought about when you and mom planned to have me. Did you think of my first steps? Or perhaps my first word? Or maybe you pictured the same blue eyes you have looking back up at you. Did you ever think that things would be the way they are today?
I’m six years old, and I’m putting on my shoes. I’m turning the egg timer as far as it can go then watching the minutes go by. I re-pack my bag for the fifth time. I ask mom where you are for the tenth time. I count the cars as they go by. I’m waiting for you to pick me up, but you don’t pick me up this time. There’s lots of times you don’t pick me up. I still love you.
I didn’t know then what I know now. Like how you were struggling with addiction and your own inner demons. Still, the pain of you forgetting about me or making an excuse to not see me hurt so badly. I loved spending time with you. Any shred of attention from you, any sign of affection or love, just being with you was enough for me.
I’m nine years old, and I’m feel so lonely. You still aren’t home even with a new wife and new children. I’m an outsider no matter how much I try to be a part of your new life. I don’t come first, second, or third. I come last in your life, but that’s okay. I just want a place in your heart. I still love you.
I was never angry that you remarried. I knew you and mom were better separate even at nine years old. However, my weekends were to spend with you, and instead it felt like a sleepover with kind strangers. I don’t know if making money was more important or if you felt like I didn’t need you around, but I did need you.
I’m thirteen years old, and I’m crying so hard I can’t breathe. You tell me I’m not your daughter, that I’m jealous of your new-new wife, that I am worthless. It hurts so much. A part of me believes you, but I also know that you’re wrong. I just needed you to listen to me. I needed you to believe me. I needed you to be there for me. I have to put up this wall between us now, because I still love you.
My next step mom wasn’t as kind as the first. I tried to tell you about her constant bullying and abuse. This moment of coming to you and telling you what she was doing to me scared me into never coming to you again for fear of having to hear you say those awful things about me again. It also made me second-guess myself, that maybe it was my fault, but I learned that no one ever deserves to be bullied or abused.
I’m sixteen years old, and I’m broken. I’m looking for love in all the wrong places. You taught me to hang onto the smallest affection thrown my way. You taught me that I don’t have to feel safe or loved in a relationship. You taught me that anyone I love can treat me however they want, because I still love you.
Despite being taught these lessons, I still don’t blame you. This isn’t some kind of blame game though I think you’d like to tell me it is. I was looking for someone to make me whole. You can’t make me whole. Relationships can’t make me whole. I didn’t realize that no one could make me whole but me.
I’m twenty years old, and I’m leaving an abusive relationship. He was like you in so many ways. I had hoped he could fix me. I had hoped he could fill the hole in my heart, but he couldn’t. I finally stopped loving him after five long years. I realized so much after leaving him: I don’t have to hurt so much; I don’t deserve to be treated so badly. I deserve to be loved, but I still love you.
My abusive relationship is not your fault. I think you feel some guilt after learning about the abuse I went through, like somehow you could have prevented it. The relationship taught me a lifetime of lessons that will never be forgotten. I came out stronger in the end, and I’m at peace with that.
I’m twenty-three years old, and I’m sitting on your porch with your new-new-new wife. I think our relationship has improved. You’re nicer, happier. I think. I gush about my fiance and our future wedding. I ask you to walk me down the aisle. Isn’t that what every little girl dreams of? You say no. My heart broke again. That’s what I get for letting you in, but I still love you.
I had truly thought that with your third marriage and with my youngest sibling and I becoming so close, that our relationship had improved despite me feeling that I was constantly walking on eggshells around you, afraid to have what little of what resembled a relationship ripped away from me. You shut me down so fast when I asked you to walk me down the aisle that my head spun. I felt like an outsider all over again in your new family.
I’m twenty-five, and I’m asking you to please dance with me at my wedding. You say yes. I pick our song. I call the DJ. I want it to be perfect, because we’ll finally have a father-daughter moment that every little girl dreams of… that I dreamed of. You leave the wedding after I say my vows, never reaching out afterwards or apologizing, just ignoring me completely. When will I learn that just because I still love you, you don’t know how to love me?
After everything I’ve been through with you, I had still held on to hope that we’d have a normal father-daughter relationship. You leaving after my vows and before our dance did not ruin my wedding day. It just taught me not to keep letting you in and to stop begging to have a relationship with you. You don’t know how to love me, and until you show me differently, I will keep my heart safe and my walls up.
Thank you Megan for your wonderful guest post, and of course being so supportive of Normal Happenings. Please be sure to visit her always awesome blog, filled to the brim with geeky musings. She’s also an impressive brand-maker, so if your blog or site is looking a bit flimsy, let her swoop in and save the day!
– Matthew, Normal Happenings
Help us make amazing designs, better collaborations, and even achieve our dreams of podcast and video content. Consider becoming one of the amazing patrons of Normal Happenings. We would be forever grateful!
Greetings everyone, and welcome back to Normal Happenings! We’re all rested up from our break after dropping the epic collab that is The Games That Define Us! The purpose of this post is to get you all reacquainted with normality after such a huge event, and to lead us into 2019 on a high note!
Clearly there is much to discuss, so much so that, yep, that’s a table of contents. Click to jump to the sections that most interest you, or start from the top! Enjoy!
Accent font change: Cocogoose is out, Geo Sans is in.
Each new blog piece will now have a unique but cohesive design.
We have unleashed the power of the block editor in a big way! I know many people don’t like it, and I don’t blame you if you’re having trouble with it. It certainly takes some getting used to, but for a CSS nerd like me the block editor is a godsend!
With a little CSS know-how, the block editor allows me to do cool things like implement a Highlights Block into each post — or in this case, each section! It’s no secret I can be a little long-winded, and it’s also obvious more and more things compete for our attention. The highlights block is the best of both worlds, letting me be both pretentious and brooding while letting the time-strapped among you get on with life quicker. And while it will be a little disappointing that readers of just the summaries won’t catch the nuances of posts reflecting on human nature, hopefully they’ll carry something optimistic with them throughout the day.
Another change I am extremely happy with is that Normal Happenings is changing accent fonts! Yep, Cocogoose is out, and Geo Sans is in! I had been growing increasingly frustrated with Coco as time progressed and this blog blossomed from just another corner of the internet into something wonderful. Coco was so thick, bold, and angular that it was coming across as a tad aggressive, especially in the featured images that make the rounds across Twitter and Facebook. So I sat down with Megan from A Geeky Gal, and in five minutes flat she came up with Geo Sans, a sleek, thin new font perfect for accompanying the elaborate Abuget headlining Normal Happenings. Here’s a point of comparison involving the shiny new header calendar you may have noticed:
Whew, that feels so much better. The excellent thing about Geo Sans is that I can mess with the kerning — the spaces between letters — to make this typeface look epic, like a movie poster. Ahhh, having this new font to play around with make it feel like Christmas Day, but we must move on.
I fully intend to make each post of 2019 feel like an “event,” and as such it’s going to be very import for me to give each post a unique but cohesive look and feel. With CSS at my side, I know I can do that. It is so worth delivering these types of aesthetically pleasing experiences to our wonderful audience. Essentially, by the end of 2019, I want these pieces to look as good as any editorial feature from major publications.
Feature — you know, that’s actually a very interesting word I really like to describe works on Normal Happenings going forward. I’m going to replace “posts” in the top menu with the term “features.” Much better.
One consequence of an increased focus on design is that it essentially decouples the unity of design and writing found on most blogs, essentially making it double the work. Don’t be surprised, then, if you’re constantly seeing me on Twitter delaying the launch of features until I’m completely happy with them. After all, a rushed work is bad forever.
As I compose this, I’m sitting here scrolling through my home page. I see 36 unique, creative, and wonderfully written pieces, and I’m amazed at what has been accomplished. I’m also so humbled that 34 amazing people would come together and spend their time forging links to a chain of wonderful art. So, to the contributors, from Nikki and me, we would just like to say thank you for helping make something cooler that we ever thought possible.
There are some rumors of these pieces being involved in some future project, but that is all I am going to say at this time.
So, not only did I want to give one last “woohoo” to all involved, but I also wanted to once more share this miraculous cast of characters, their blogs, and their pieces for The Games That Define Us! You can start at the adventure map, or just dive right in anywhere — there’s no wrong way to enjoy this epic collab.
Spring 2019 collab will be revealed on New Year’s Day!
Four collaborations a year.
Mini ones in spring and fall; big ones in summer and winter.
We just wanted to remind everyone that the next collaboration will be announced on New Year’s Day — January 1, 2019. I’ll be lowering the stakes a bit on this one. It will be more akin to Hyrule: See the Sights, Hear the Sounds, and will consist of about 20 pieces weaved together into one giant post. I’ll be reserving at least five spots for newcomers, perhaps more depending on the interest of returning champions. However, returning champions get first priory in selecting their topic.
Here is my plan for collaborations on Normal Happenings going forward. I want to do a total of four collaborations per year.
Grand Collabs — large, multi-part epics like The Games That Define Us — are a lot of work, so they will happen in the summer and winter.
Mini-collabs like the upcoming unrevealed Spring 2019 collab will occur during the spring and fall, and will consist of 10-20 pieces combined into one awesome experience.
If they are anything like either of the two previous ones, you all are seriously in for some treats! Ahh, I can’t wait to reveal the next collab topic!
Instead releasing complete chapters as they are completed.
Let’s talk about Dysontopia, my novel project. First of all, it’s not dead — not at all. That said, it has evolved, particularly to the point where a serial format no longer works to its advantage. When I first started writing Dysontopia, I was surprised people even cared about it at all. I was shocked that people were reacting positively to it, but of course I was glad they were. While it was on hiatus, however, I came to the realization that it was not telling the story in the best way possible.
You see, I had inadvertently done something. With Sydney Winters, I had created a character I had truly learned to like. She has a unique personality — one not often seen in fiction. I found myself telling her story, until I realized four chapters in I hadn’t even started on the entire premise of the novel.
Dysontopia has what I consider to be a particularly unique science fiction plot that I don’t want to spoil. However, if you’ve been keeping up, there has been exactly zero science fiction elements coming in so fer. It’s just about Sydney.
All of that is to say Dysontopia is being reformatted. The story is the same, but I want to start the novel in media res, splicing in the backstory elements as the are triggered by events in the present.
Consequently — and you’re not going to like this — I will be removing all Dysontopia chapters in the near future. I will also not be releasing them as sections of chapters in the future.
Instead, I’ll be releasing Dysontopia as complete chapters as they get finished. Additionally, I will have no set schedule for releasing them. They will be finished when I, as a writer, believe they meet the quality standards needed to write a great novel. Unfortunately, as great novel — especially a great first novel — cannot be rushed, so sit back and enjoy the ride.
Will just be Nikki and Matt having everyday conversations.
In the organizing and designing process now.
Nikki and I are working on something truly special that we really think you’re going to adore. We’re code-naming it Normal Talks, though we’re pretty sure that name is final at this point.
The premise is simple. It’s going to be a podcast where we sit down and have everyday conversations! There is far too much insincerity going on in the world, and we want to combat that by just sitting down and having some fun, quirky, chats about life. When it comes to podcasts, we think that’s far more more interesting than all the spectacle in the world!
Who knows, you may even get our responses to all those Daily Inklings floating about. Speaking of which…
Daily Inklings are working very well statistically.
Plan to make them seasonally themed.
Can now make suggestions on Twitter!
Daily Inklings are doing crazy well in the stats department. Like, as far as everyday view-to-like ration is concerned, these little conversation starters far exceed the big behemoth stand-alone posts. What was once an offshoot of my Super Specific Questions has turned into something wonderful, so let’s expand the concept going into 2019!
I’ll be doing more to make Daily Inklings seasonally themed! I already did that a bit with Halloween, and I’m blending in a few holiday prompts currently, but I’m going to go all in this upcoming year. Expect prompts to be related and connected, as opposed to the currently disparate grab bag of concepts.
More importantly, you can now make Daily Inkling suggestions via DM on Twitter and Instagram! Don’t be shy — you’ll get a link back to your blog and/or social media platform. There are 365 days in a year, so we’re always on the hunt for unique and creative writing sparks!
Plan to keep video game content limited to collabs for now.
Pieces will be even more focused on matters of the human experience.
Will bring in more defined topics of futurism, optimistic media, and personal memories.
Just for kicks, let’s take a peak at some titles in our drafts folder. Keep in mind these are just that: draft titles — the end result is rarely the same.
Awkward Turtles, Really Awkward Turtles, and Awkward Tents
Let’s Eat Grandma — The Band, Not the Meme
Adding to the Substance of the Universe
I Believe In Coincidences, But I Don’t Trust Coincidences
2069: Running Out of Numbers
If you’ll notice, there seems to be a topic missing. Video games. Before you panic, don’t worry. I’m not betraying the topic. Video games are such an important topic, I can’t help but write about them. At the same time, though, they aren’t all-consuming to me, and there are so many other things I’d like to write about. I feel like if I constantly talked about video games, it would provide an incomplete picture of a life that so heavily relies on balance.
Therefore, I plan to limit my video game talk to collaborations, where they can be enjoyed conveniently by all involved. I can’t rule out the possibility of video game topics coming up occasionally, but they will be few and far between compared to last year. Besides, if I ever get the urge to talk about deep solo tactics in Shining Force, I know a guy. A very red, very magely guy.
As mentioned earlier, this year will be far more focused on feature-writing. I want to prove to people that blogging can be a wonderful medium for art through both prose and design. And I really want to do my part in making the world a better place through optimism. I have big dreams for Normal Happenings, as I do for the entire human race.
Last year I was unnecessarily picky about who I let guest post on Normal Happenings outside of collaborations. Let’s be honest, it was mostly just the occasional Geeky Gal stopping by to drop some wisdom on us. I think I’m ready to relax those restrictions.
I know a lot of video game bloggers, so if you wish to write about something other than gaming for a day — perhaps something more along the lines of memories and optimism of the future, you know where to find me. But just in case you don’t, you can message me on Twitter or Instagram.
We’ll talk it over, and if I like your idea, we’ll totally make that guest post happen! Normal Happenings has a fantastic community who would love to hear what you have to say!
We would like to announce the 2019 Normal Happenings Blog Awards! We’ll be making a post specifically about this in early January, but we wanted to go head and tell you about it.
Every year on Normal Happenings’s birthday, I want to recognize the outstanding accomplishments of the people in our little corner of the blogosphere! Therefore on February 26, 2019, we’ll be doing the first annual Normal Happenings Blog Awards!
Here are the categories:
Best blogger in 2018!
Best individual blog post in 2018!
Best collaboration in 2018!
Most creative/original blog post in 2018!
Kindest blogger in 2018!
We’ll be designing some big, fancy badges to commemorate the winners.
Here’s the thing, though: I have no business deciding the winners, so I’m going to need your help. You can nominate winners for each at any time by sending a DM on Twitter or Instagram! You are free to go ahead and start sending nominations. The only person you can’t nominate is yourself, as it needs to be all-star bloggers that you enjoyed in your community.
Twitter will be the arena of choice this year. I’ll be making the rounds using polls on January until there is at least something of a consensus on the winners of each category. Then the winners will be announced on the date of the Blog Awards post!
I need to sincerely and publicly apologize to you five amazing people. I have dropped the ball on this Patreon thing. I’m really sorry. When I made the Patreon, I didn’t realize how many changes would come to Normal Happenings over the following months.
The current Patreon model is no longer symmetrical to Normal Happenings. A lot of my Patreon tiers depended on Dysontopia being delivered in its weekly, serial form — something that is clearly no longer the case. Additionally, Nikki and I want to proceed with the podcast plan regardless of funding. Finally, we think we’re actually quite happy with the WordPress Premium Plan for at least another year — this fancy block-editor as gone a long way towards quelling our hunger for customization.
Over the course of January, I will be simplifying my Patreon tiers. I do not believe in locking content behind a paywall, as art should be enjoyed by all. I want to make Patreon as voluntary and low-pressure as humanly possible.
All five of my current patrons are awesome for continuing to support us despite these growing pains. Thank you. That said, if you choose to contribute between now and January, just know those tiers are going to be changing. If you have any concerns, please feel free to message me on, you guessed it, Twitter or Instagram!
Oh. my. gosh. According to the word count, this update post is north of 3,000 words. This is a mountain of information, and if you managed to read all of it, I am seriously impressed. Anyway, I hope you enjoy all the changes around here. Here’s to a great 2019 — may all your blogging dreams come true. Let us know in the comments what you’re most looking forward to in 2019! And I hope what is sure to be a wonderful year for Normal Happenings will help you view life with more positivity than you would otherwise.
Help us make amazing designs, better collaborations, and even achieve our dreams of podcast and video content. Consider becoming one of the amazing patrons of Normal Happenings. We would be forever grateful!