Saying Goodbye to Ezri

– By Nikki –

On April 11 at 6:00 a.m., my beautiful cat went into cardiac arrest. When we adopted her one year and eight months ago she was only five months old. Me, Matt and Lucy all slowly adjusted to the new kitty in our lives. Ezri followed Lucy everywhere and they were genuinely best friends. The morning after Lucy, my childhood cat, passed away Ezri curled up in a ball next to me when my husband left for work. I remember waking up a few hours after he left and she was still beside me. This tradition would continue every morning for the rest of her short life.

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Ezri would do everything with me. She followed me around the apartment, she waited on me outside of the shower, she watched me leave, and waited for me to come home. She was also a chatterbox. Oftentimes, she would meow at me constantly as if she were trying to have a conversation with me. I would tell her how good of a girl she was, and she would roll around on her back while staring at me and meowing away. She also loved being held. When I woke up in the morning I would hold her for a good while and she would just cling to me. This pattern repeated itself whenever I came home or even when I sometimes left the room. To say that she was a special girl would be an understatement. I could never put into words my complete feelings for Ezri.

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I have had trouble writing this eulogy because I was able to have my last day with her, unlike Lucy. On April 9th I found out that she was very sick. I couldn’t get her to eat or drink anything, and getting her to use her box was impossible. She hid from me, and my normally very social cat seemed to be fading away from me. I took her to the vet and they basically told me that I should euthanize her because of her white blood cell count, her not eating (and all of those issues that go along with it), and that she had metal fragments in her stomach. I received all of this information on the phone. I was in the parking lot of the gym that I work out at, and I just started crying. I called Matt and told him what was going on. He came straight away and we went to the vet together.

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As soon as I got Ezri I held her while they told us the same information in person. I looked down to see her big green eyes staring up at me. She was clinging to me like always. It was almost like she was begging me not to leave her, and I couldn’t give up on her in that moment. I asked the vet if we could give her something to get her eating and regular again. They said yes so I took her home and gave her medicine and she actually ate a good portion of her food. I went to bed with hope for my cat that night. The next day I took her back to the vet so they could get her regular again. I got another phone call saying that she was using her box again and that the metal fragments were actually from her eating her own cat litter. I was shocked about her eating her litter, but relieved that she was starting to get normal again — so I thought. The vet said that her heart was enlarged when we arrived, but she thought we could worry about that after we got her to eat more. She often hyperventilated when she would play or if she got nervous, so I wasn’t surprised by it when we got her home.

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During my last night with her, Matt and I watched a movie and I held her. She wouldn’t get up without breathing very hard so I just let her rest beside me. I went to bed that night with an uncomfortable feeling. Something was quite off about my big kitty. The idea of euthanizing her crossed my mind again. I shook it off because I had to believe that she was getting better, but as I walked back into the room that night she didn’t respond like normal. Normally her head would pop up and should would chirp/meow at me over and over again until I hugged her. This time she just laid there. I gave her a kiss on the head and then shut myself up in the other room. I silently prayed that if it were her time to go that it would happen at home or very soon. She was terrified of the vet and I was concerned about her last moments being there. The next morning I hopped out of bed and gave her the medicine that was prescribed. This time she started acting funny and at first I thought she was choking, but she was just breathing in a ragged way. She then sauntered over by our bedroom door and fell to her side. She screamed for what felt like a decade. We made eye contact and then she was gone. I gave her CPR and her heartbeat came back for a second and then fluttered away. She was really gone.

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I didn’t write about this for a while because I knew how dependent that little cat was on me. I didn’t want her to be gone, but she is. I take comfort in the fact that she was with  Matt and me when she went, but I will never stop loving Ezri. She was so happy to be alive until the very end. I already said goodbye privately, but now I am doing it publicly. I wish I would have gotten much longer with her. She was my closest companion and will never be forgotten.

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Now just ten days later we have found a kitten that is need of a home. At first the idea of adopting again seemed disrespectful, but now I think that I am honoring both of my passed kitties by adopting again. I know that she will never replace them but maybe I can give this one cat a good life just like I did my other two. My heart still aches for Ezri (and Lucy) but I know that I am doing the right thing. Ezri thrived on happiness and that is what I am going to strive to be. I thank God for my short time with Ezri and I know that my time with her was so very important.

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We Are Here

Last Thursday Nikki and I experienced the loss of our dear cat Ezri, who we loved very much. Both of our cats left this world in the span of four months – we weren’t even over the loss of Lucy before Ezri departed in traumatic fashion. We’ll be writing a proper dedication for Ezri in the near future. For now, we’re still at a loss for words. That kitten has our hearts, and we’re still trying to figure out where to go from here. She was so young, and was such a joy.

I don’t have much to say right now. My heart is torn.

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We love you, Ezri.

One thing is for sure, bad things happen no matter how optimistic you are. And though I display my optimism with great alacrity – positivity a banner I take into the many battles of life – I also could never be rightfully accused of being naive. On the contrary, from spiders to planes to, now, having my cat die of cardiac arrest right in front of me, I find it hard to be scared of anything anymore. That alone scares me more than anything. I’ll call it courage, because I need it to be courage rather than the alternative.

Lately I’ve been thinking about the difference between courage and hardness, and my gosh, through my terrible week I’ve discovered that, similar to love and hate, the difference between the two is so much thinner than I had hoped. Courage is an adamant refusal to let bad things phase you despite knowing the danger, and hardness is an adamant refusal to let anything positive or negative damage a fortress of stoicism. I’ve seen hardness in action, and have to think it’s one of the most destructive forces in the universe.

Ezri’s unforeseen death claws at my foundation of appreciation that life exists and I’m part of it, because Ezri no longer does – at least not in the here and now with us. I’m making the choice, right now, to continue to be a person who adventures through the disruption and entropy native to this life with unceasing wonderment and courage. We are here, and that means the world.

Our Ezri is Not Feeling So Well

– By Nikki –

I’m here to deliver some not-so-great news. For the past week our cat Ezri has stopped eating, drinking, and being her silly self. Yesterday afternoon we received some heartbreaking news from the vet. There is a fairly high probability she could have leukemia.

Our options are pretty grim at the moment, and we are doing everything we can to get her eating and drinking again. We are giving her antibiotics, fluids, and pills to make her hungry again. If she continues to decrease in health we might have to make some hard decisions at the end of this week.

She is almost two, and I am very upset about this because it came out of nowhere. Just a few days ago she was completely fine and now she is holding on for life.

There is hope though. This afternoon we discovered it could possibly be related to Ezri ingesting a large quantity of clumping cat litter — a possible toxin for her. She’s never been the brightest cat — it would be just like her to do that.

As many of you know I recently lost my childhood cat Lucy to cancer. I really don’t want to face this again just four months after losing her.

I know some of you might consider my emotions to be a little unreasonable, but Ezri is part of my family and I am asking for you all to please keep Ezri in your thoughts and prayers. We hope she can be healed up by the end of the week and continue to live the wonderful life of a cat in her prime! We’ll keep you posted.

Related: Five Cute Moments When You Adopt a Kitten


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Goodbye Lucy

– By Nikki –

I have always felt my emotions so very deeply. I think I inherited that trait from my father. He is a sensitive and empathetic man who says very little to most. In many ways I am similar to him. We both hate confrontation, we both hate showing others how we are really feeling, and most importantly we both hate feeling.

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My best friend Lucy passed away last night. She had a baseball sized mass in her stomach, and our options were very limited. Now she’s gone and I hate what I am feeling. I want to numb all of this out and distract myself from these emotions. Continue reading “Goodbye Lucy”

Five Cute Moments When You Adopt a Kitten

Today I wanted to treat you to a bonus list post: five cute moments that happen when you adopt a kitten from the shelter! I know I’m normally supposed to wait until Friday for list posts, but I wanted to do two related lists this week. Plus, my Friday Fives category is looking a little barren compared to the others and needs to be filled out.

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Wait, what do you mean this post is just an excuse to show off our adorable new kitten? Fine. Guilty as charged. Continue reading “Five Cute Moments When You Adopt a Kitten”