Let’s Have Lunch: Why Eating Is Such a Struggle for Me

This post contains a mild trigger warning:
Nikki discusses eating disorders and the mental hurdles pertaining to them. We’ve tried to keep things light, but of course some details are necessary.

– By Nikki –

When I was a teenager I struggled heavily with an eating disorder.
There, I said it.

I’ve avoided writing about it because I have always felt like it’s something that I could control. My lowest point was when I was in high school and I found myself forcing a toothbrush down my throat to get rid of what I just ate. I would skip meals and exercise all the time, only to end up binge eating later in the week. I actually put on about 15 pounds from this issue in high school.

I finally got a handle on it in college. I stared counting my calories to make sure that I am consuming enough food, and I made it a point to exercise four to five days a week. I lost the weight (the 15 pounds) that I had gained overtime and I became very strong and confident. However, even now after all of my progress I have to keep a rigid routine to keep myself on track. If I skip a day or two at the gym, I start getting antsy about my size. If I have a splurge night, I start to worry that the girl that lost control in high school is going to come back. During busy times I often still forget to eat, or sometimes it is just too exhausting to consume food. I have to keep a close eye on my calories — avoiding both overeating and undereating — or the vicious cycle will continue for who-knows-how-long.

There is no voice dramatically telling me that I’m fat while eating dinner. Well, not anymore at least — that voice used to ring loud, honestly. I remember when I was in the trenches of my eating disorder and I saw myself in a window. Defeated by damaging self-image, I saw the unhappiest girl on the planet. Consequently, my weight fluctuated in high school because of this problem. However, sometimes I thought if I counted my calories and ate enough to get by I could achieve a smaller frame.

See, I let the voice in at times in my life, but now I choose to ignore her. It’s true, my eating disorder does manifest itself as a voice, but I have chosen for a long time now to act like she doesn’t exist and it works. So now I try to eat healthy foods on most days, and I usually give myself Saturday night to enjoy a fun cheat meal and dessert. I try to exercise four to five days a week to keep my body strong and on most days this process works for me. I feel better and more confident than I ever have. I think feeling good about my health routine and my confidence go hand-in-hand.

Honestly I don’t diet. I choose to live an overall healthy lifestyle and sprinkle in my splurge days. I usually can’t be around people that have food anxiety for long, and I don’t have any secret weight loss tips. Truthfully I think most diets and weight loss tips are bologna. I’m here to say I no longer weigh myself. I get obsessed with a number and I can’t function. I just pay attention to how my clothes fit me. I don’t do body transformation photos anymore because they make me get back into obsessive thought patterns about my body. I just live and if people ask my advice on how to lose weight I avoid giving it. It takes time to lose weight and to get fit. These overnight weight loss plans honestly cause more harm than good. I’ve been there, but I’ve come to the realization that many people don’t like to listen to experience, and they have to learn on their own the best strategy for themselves.

Each time I tell my story I get told that there is something wrong with my views on this issue. Despite my clean bill of health from my doctor. Despite my clothes fitting better. I don’t think that many people like to see other people being happy. In fact, if they can drag an otherwise happy person down, they will. Don’t let these people get you down. Instead try to just be happy and make deep connections with people that offer love and respect. No, cutting people completely off isn’t always the answer — often that’s unhealthy and harmful in my opinion — but just know the limits of what can and can’t be talked about with these people.

For those of us like me who struggle with an eating disorder, know that no matter how small or in shape I became, I was never able to perceive myself as good enough until I accepted myself for who I was instead of the number on a scale or the reflection in a mirror. That’s never easy to do, but hope can be found through surrounding yourself with encouraging people and seeking the help needed.

If you have dealt with any form of eating disorder, we would love to hear your story. Tell us your story in as many or a few details as you like. We’ll be around in the comments to talk!

For other recent pieces from Nikki, be sure to check out:
Dear Future Nikki
Animal Crossing | The Game That Defines Nikki


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Glad Topographies: Finding Abundant Optimism in the World Around Us

To find optimism, all one must do is look around. 

Over the next few days, we are really going to attempt to strengthen our Instagram game. We’ll have a big announcement early next week — a little project Nikki is putting together.

However, as for now, I think I am ready to truly introduce you to my super secret Instagram. It’s called Glad Topographies. Some of you already follow, and I really appreciate it! But for the rest of you, well, I think it’s something you’ll truly enjoy!

In the past, I had been taking direct inspiration from the legendary @sadtopographies — with their blessing, of course — and finding only super happy place names.

Alas, there are only so many Oh-be-joyful Creeks in the world — and if I kept it up for too long it would reflect insincerity. There’s so much more to life than that.

Therefore, I’ve since simplified the premise, scouring Google Maps and finding cool, pretty places that reflect optimism. Included are amazing pictures credited to Instagrammers who have visited these interesting places. Follow to receive perhaps a jolt of wanderlust without all the touristy trappings common to the emotion.

That lends itself to a new weekly feature on Normal Happenings, which I’ll be calling This Week in Glad Topographies. I’ll simply be compiling the posts for that week, and reflecting further on them here on the blog!

This week we’ve attempted to discern the mystery of Agloe:

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Agloe, New York, U.S. 🇺🇲 — Where no one has gone before. Agloe is perhaps the most famous of the "paper towns," a concept made popular by the YA novel of the same name. It's simply a cartographer's trap, designed to ensnare counterfeiters trying to take advantage of the hard work of map makers. Like a fantasy world, Agloe only exists in our imagination. — So many Instagrammers tag Agloe to be ironic, but @emmaswanders and @nickaustin7 are the real deal for making the journey to Agloe. Full photo credit goes to them. — #agloe #newyork #notreal #fiction #fantasynovel #johngreen @johngreenwritesbooks #papertowns #papertown #books #maps #map #topography #geography #nowhere #imagination #ny #upstatenewyork #glad #contentment #gladtopographies

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We’ve ridden horses across the dunes of Tolowa:

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Tolowa Dunes, California, U.S. 🇺🇲 — Perusing the satellite view of the west coast, a certain flat terrain caught my eye just south of where Oregon and California meet. Tolowa Dunes and its collision of ocean side grassy dune and wooded ridge immediately obsessed me. Turns out many visitors ride these trails on horseback — no doubt an incredible way to enjoy an otherwise ordinary day. — Full credit goes to @chrishalsted and @nicolejeanhill for these incredible photos! Thanks @north_coast_redwoods for taking care of a place like this! — #california #pacific #pacificnorthwest #dunes #park #tolowadunes #coast #westcoast #leftcoast #oceanside #horseback #trail #trails #hiking #pines #ridge #peaceful #calm #happiness #glad #gladtopographies

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We’ve hiked the mountainside trails of Gladstone:

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Gladstone Provincial Park, British Columbia, Canada 🇨🇦 — Glad Topographies makes its triumphant return! We're going to do things a little different this time around. We're not so much going to focus on finding the overtly happiest place names in the world, rather we're going to venture beyond the topographies. We'll be going to amazing places and seeing the sights of these epic life explorers who adventure to them. The world is beautiful, and anything is a Glad Topography in its own way! — Images of this beautiful park on the shore of Christina Lake are fully credited to @glendularfever and @johnsoda1234! — #hiking #hike #trekking #trek #lake #christinalake #wilderness #wanderlust #scenery #scenic #forest #outdoors #landscape #canada #britishcolumbia #trail #joy #gladtopographies

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And we’ve rounded the famous cape where two oceans meet!

Where will the future take us? Only time will tell — specifically, next Friday, and the one after that, and the one after that… Go follow Glad Topographies on Instagram!


Did you know we’re part of the best community of bloggers in the world? Now that the Normal Happenings Starry-Eyed Discord is up, we’re having incredible conversations every day! You can join us right now by becoming a Patron of Normal Happenings!

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Dear Future Nikki

Dear Future Nikki,

As I have been applying for jobs to truly get my career started, I have come to the realization that I have gotten a lot done in the past six years (2013-2019). I’m certainly not trying to pat myself on the back, but these past few years have been anything but easy. Right after I graduated I applied for jobs, and had a number of interviews throughout the past few months. Remember that one time that I thought I had made it? I thought without a doubt I would start my career in June 2019 at a university not far from where I live. After a great phone interview and a successful in-person interview, I felt very connected to this college. I waited for the invitation to return to the university for what I thought could’ve been a dream job. I checked my email one day and got a rejection reply. At first I was very bummed, and I began to worry that I was a failure. Continue reading “Dear Future Nikki”

Apparently You Can Actually Like Your Own Writing

Cleaning my vehicle the other day, I discovered a long-forgotten CD under the seat. It was Modern Vampires of the City by Vampire Weekend. Turns out it’s been seven years since that album came out, and I hadn’t missed a thing – they were just now set to finally drop a new album in the coming months. New release Friday came last week, and of course I was going to stream their new album Father of the Bride two or three times, especially considering how good their lead single, “Harmony Hall,” is. I found the album a mess – all the ingredients are there, but some were overcooked and some half raw. That’s life; it happens. I’d just like to take care it doesn’t happen to me.

I started blogging around 2012, first on Tumblr, then self-hosted, and finally the WordPress Premium platform you see here. Tracking each year until now, I always found myself horribly repulsed by my own writing in increments of one year after hitting the publish button. The year 2015 would lead me to reject 2014’s scribblings, for instance. That is, until last year. Continue reading “Apparently You Can Actually Like Your Own Writing”

STARSTORM: Be a Good Reader on WordPress

I want to discuss what I consider to be the ideal strategy for being a good reader on WordPress. It all focuses on stars, which I consider to be the unsung hero of being a wonderful blogosphere citizen.

We have a cool feature on our Normal Happenings Starry-Eyed Discord. It’s called STARSTORM, and we’re really loving it. Basically, everyone gets to share their new posts, and then we go and make sure to star them on WordPress. I use a very similar process regarding my own WordPress reader. Continue reading “STARSTORM: Be a Good Reader on WordPress”

Babble | Re: Inkling

Based on: Babble | Daily Inkling.
Feel free to join in with your own response!

We all have words we can’t seem to properly say. List the words you just can’t spit out, and then write a story with them.


In many ways, I am not a normal person – perhaps a surprising revelation considering I run a blog called Normal Happenings. Honestly, I remind myself of a robot sometimes, especially when it comes to the concept of words.

Words are particularly special to me. Sometimes I view them as living things. They always have been, in many ways, my greatest ally in moving beyond my own nature and becoming something greater than myself — well, excepting one word in particular. Continue reading “Babble | Re: Inkling”

Hey, Where’s That Novel Project You Were Working On?

Does anyone remember Dysontopia, my serialized fiction novel project? For a while, I was posting about a thousand words of it every week. It has been a while since I’ve even brought up the topic, so I would imagine one or two of you are wondering if it ran away, took an extended vacation in the Caribbean, or perhaps got sucked into a giant planet-eating black hole. Well, Dysontopia looks nothing like the fragments scattered about Normal Happenings anymore.

When last we checked in, it was undergoing a reformat with the intention of me releasing it chapter by chapter instead of in small portions. But here’s the thing – Dysontopia has blossomed into something really quite special. I don’t want to speak too soon, but reworking this novel has completely shifted its core concept into something that I actually consider particularly unique, mature, and sophisticated as far as novels are concerned. It’s more than just that girl named Sydney, though she still remains the focal point of the work. Don’t worry, I love that character too much for her not to be the main protagonist. Continue reading “Hey, Where’s That Novel Project You Were Working On?”

Distant Voices | Re: Inkling

Based on: Distant Voices | Daily Inkling.
Feel free to join in with your own response!

Have you ever heard voices in the sound of the wind, rustling of leaves, or repetitive churning of a fan? If so, what did you imagine they might be saying?


As much as I love the abstract questions that seem to spontaneously generate from the depths of my mind and rise to the surface about once every 24 hours, I must admit they’re not all born out of personal experience. Generally they are a hybrid of me paying close attention to life and listening to the stories of others.

It’s so romantic and ethereal to imagine “Distant Voices” in the wind or the leaves, but to be honest — and this is a little embarrassing for me — my experience with this phenomenon comes from me opening and closing a squeaky door. Yep, the squeaky door literally calls out my name. Continue reading “Distant Voices | Re: Inkling”

Re: Inkling | Error Error Mistakes

You know, it’s probably time I started taking my own medicine. Re: Inklings are short responses to the Daily Inklings I set forth each day. I get envious of those who pour their heart and soul into their amazing answers, so I’ve decided to join the fray and start offering creative takes of my own.

Daily Inkling | Error Error Mistakes

Find a very minor and insignificant factual or topological error in one of your previous blog posts. Write a lengthy apology letter to a fictitious offended party apologizing for the mistake.


Dear Mysterious Editor,

You perch bravely above the blogosphere, seeking and destroying any and all typological errors, sentence structure awkwardness, and comma splices with just a few taps from your smartphone. As you are unable to enjoy the experience until any trace of a grammar or spelling error is removed, I am deeply honored to have you playing for my team. Continue reading “Re: Inkling | Error Error Mistakes”