– By Nikki –
I have always felt my emotions so very deeply. I think I inherited that trait from my father. He is a sensitive and empathetic man who says very little to most. In many ways I am similar to him. We both hate confrontation, we both hate showing others how we are really feeling, and most importantly we both hate feeling.
My best friend Lucy passed away last night. She had a baseball sized mass in her stomach, and our options were very limited. Now she’s gone and I hate what I am feeling. I want to numb all of this out and distract myself from these emotions.
Like my father, I hate dealing with grief. When my mom died I watched him go numb. It is a painful thing to see a parent go through. However, Lucy came into my life just a year later. I watched her eyes open and she grew into a majestic cat. Throughout many of my life milestones she was there for my successes and failures.
Once I married Matt we were all kind of inseparable. We did everything with that little kitty. Last night, similarly to when I watched her enter this world, I watched her leave this world. Her eyes went blank and her life was gone in an instant. I called out her name and she was gone…
Currently I am having so much trouble with adjusting to her being gone. I thought I saw her last night in her favorite spot. Her meows that I became so accustomed to hearing are still echoing through my head. I want to go numb like my dad did when we lost my mother — and I did for a while — but that would be a disgrace to my little feline family member.
Brené Brown says that going numb is almost like a double edged sword because other emotions and thoughts also get dulled out:
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”
— Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
In other words, if I choose to run away from what I’m feeling and dull everything out, I am going to also blur out the positive aspects that Lucy had in my life. Future and current relationships can be affected negatively if I choose to not feel what I’m feeling. For a while I will be upset, and watching my beautiful girl leave this earth and sink down into death will haunt me for a long time, however I am choosing to miss her and to never ever forget her.
She was such a special light in many of my family’s lives. Now I will try to just remember the good times, and remember that what I had with her was special. To have known my girl from the moment she entered this world until she left is quite special. I most certainly wish that she were here for all of my other life milestones, but if she were she would be in so much pain.
She was losing her independence fast, and she was prideful girl who deserved dignity. If she were here she would be suffering, and I have to keep telling myself that. I just hate that the end of her life came so quickly. I most definitely didn’t think that I would lose her last night.
My Lucy girl is gone now, but I will never forget her, nor will her death ever not sting. I miss her terribly, and I don’t know how to end this post because I don’t want her to be gone. Last night I hugged her tight and told her goodbye, and when I left her lifeless vessel I kissed her one last time. So I guess this is my long way of saying goodbye. Goodbye my beautiful girl.
Related: A Loss For Words | Daily Inkling